Those who know me may be surprised to hear this because that is definitely NOT what it looks like on the outside. I began dancing professionally as a 16 year old and have spent over 25 years in front of large groups of people whether it was teaching a class full of students older than me as a teenager to strutting my stuff in front of live audiences or in front of a camera, all the while feeding what I thought was my deep seated need for attention. I only allowed myself to get this attention from my ‘work’ and tended to shy away from what I called ‘unwanted attention’ because even though I was desperately seeking it I had convinced myself that I didn't want it…..or deserve it
I knew nothing about my inner world - all I knew in those days was that I was miserable on the inside, constantly fighting inner battles and being pulled by opposing forces…..If you asked me how I was feeling I would have first been shocked because no one around me in my family or culture really talked about these things, and then I would be totally confused as to what is actually going on inside me (I want to say my head but it was not just my head that was experiencing extreme levels of tension at the time)
The first time I saw my movements mirrored back to me with an empathic reflection was a revelation that opened the flood gates of emotion, memories and unprocessed experiences that had been accumulating in my body for decades…..I began to connect the dots between the sensations in my body, my breathing, my posture and my emotions and started feel to again…..or rather I began to decode and understand the messages that my body was sending me and started to identify and actually feel my emotions…..We all know that dance is a form of self expression but what I soon came to realise was that for me it was a lifeline to my inner world. By becoming aware of and reconnecting with sensations in the body as I moved, I could start to make sense of my inner landscape, I didn’t have to live in a state of constant internal tension, pressure and confusion…..
That’s when I slowly began to realise that the feeling of invisibility was coming from NOT SEEING MYSELF….from all those parts of myself that I had avoided, denied, rejected or neglected the needed ATTENTION……all those voices of long lost and unprocessed emotions, memories and experiences that were longing to be seen, heard, felt and experienced within me. So many of us have grown up in environments where it was not safe to feel and express all of who we are and we carry this fear into adulthood.
Invisibility= Fear of not being seen/ heard/felt/understand
And so we shut down our emotions and our inner world because it’s better than feeling this feeling of invisibility
Like you do not exist
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it….does it even exist?
This can show up as not wanting to stand out or be too loud or too emotional, making yourself small or the fear of putting yourself out there or being too outspoken. This may also look like an empath who is always looking after the needs of others- because it’s safer/ easier to feel what other people are feeling, it’s easier to hold space for others than ourselves, it’s more comfortable to focus on the inner world of someone else than our own and our own needs.
We tend to be the helpers and wounded healers, always caring for and looking after the needs of others.
This is can be a beautiful thing…..except the ALWAYS part….
Because in order to be of service we need to also be serving ourselves
We need to redirect some of that compassion and empathy to ourselves.
We need to take the time to attend to our own inner world, to develop self compassion and the ability to rest and reflect on our own inner experience….
The medicine drum meditation monthly sessions are a space to dive deep into your inner world and explore your inner landscape of sensations, emotions, feelings, energies and impressions. In these sessions you will have the opportunity to not only immerse yourself in your internal experience, but to find your medicine- that specific antidote or guidance that you need to receive at this time from your higher self/ intuition.
"True love begins with the act of going home to ourselves and our body.....Keeping our compassion alive and releasing tension in our body brings us deep peace and wellbeing." ~Thich Nhat Hanh